


The United States of Colorado

by CleopatraB, venomousgun



Category: Real Person Fiction, South Park
Genre: :D, Australia, F/F, F/M, Furry, How Do I Tag, I promise its not graphic but like there's still violence so like better tag it, M/M, Multi, President, Vampires, both north and south, but also like read it! its good for fun and a laugh, korea - Freeform, sorry - Freeform, this is really fuckin weird
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-30
Updated: 2018-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-30 13:07:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17224619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CleopatraB/pseuds/CleopatraB, https://archiveofourown.org/users/venomousgun/pseuds/venomousgun
Summary: South Park is all grown up, follow their residents as they explore the outside world, with new relationships and identities that develop through their wacky adventures.





	The United States of Colorado

**Author's Note:**

> the fic title will make sense if you stick with it

Kyle hates where he ended up in life. He thought he would be president, or some world changing figure. In reality, he’s the world’s worst real estate agent for an almost bankrupt agency with no other job experience. He’s a gay bitter man, with nothing but loathing for everything. He especially hates that he has the world’s kindest husband; Eric Cartman. He is everything Kyle isn’t: kind, forgiving and caring. It makes Kyle’s skin boil at night. 

“So honey, how was your day?” Eric says interrupting Kyle’s hateful thoughts. 

“Shit.” He responds, clearly pissed off by his attempts to communicate.

“Oh… Well I’m sure there’s something I could do to make it better.” Eric winks suggestively

“Shut the fuck up, you worthless piece of shit.” Kyle says calmly. 

“Anything to make you happy my dearest angel!” He smiles sadly. Kyle sits in silent anger before feeling the slightest twinge of guilt. 

“Sorry,” he mumbles. “How was your day, Eric?”

“It was just wonderful! Thank you for asking.” He says suddenly a lot happier. “Coming home to you only made it even better.” 

“Okay.” he says. He pauses. “What did you do?” He asks, and it’s the first time since they were dating that he does.

“Well in the morning, after getting my kale health shake I went to donate money to the orphanage and gave money to the homeless on the way! It made me feel really fulfilled.” Eric practically gleamed.

“I hate you so fucking much.” He says, walking out of the room to their backyard, where he smokes until dawn. He walks back into the room and lies on top of their blankets. Eric is sleeping peacefully, his sleep apnea machine whirring. Kyle stares at him with fury, and suddenly something within him snaps. He rips off his sleep apnea mask, and grabs a pillow. He holds it down over his face. He screams, but it’s too muffled to make it out. Eventually his screaming ceases, and so does his breathing. Kyle holds it there for a couple more minutes for safe measure, and then for a couple more hours because he’s frozen in place. Kyles begins crying, and eventually starts screaming.  
Eventually he calms himself down. He calls Stan. 

“Dude, guess who’s husband whose name started with Kyle and ended with Broflovski just died?” He whisper yells excitedly. 

“Oh holy shit dude! Fuck yeah!” Stan yells in response. “I’ll just go kill Wendy and meet you at yours.” He says excitedly. 

“What the fuck?” Kyle hears Wendy say in the background.

“Uh… nothing honey! It was a metaphor, I’m gonna kill you with my love. Want to go on a boat trip?”

“Okay.” She says. 

“See you soon.” Stan whispers into the phone. Stan grabs Wendy and they drive towards the beach, with Stan’s boat he promised he would use, and then didn’t. 

“I’m so glad we’re finally using the boat! How exciting!” She says, squeezing Stan’s hand. 

“Shhh, Wendy.” he says, staring at the road in front of him. 

“Also, can you speed up a little? You’re going literally 5 miles an hour.” She shakes her head in annoyance. 

“You can control the speed when YOU learn how to drive.” He says, waving his hand dismissively in front of her face. 

“I learnt how to drive before you!” She says. “Did you ever even get your driver's licen-”

“Yo is that the beach right there?” Stan interrupts. He abruptly turns down the street.  
Stan reverses the car putting the boat in the water then parks the car on the beach.

“Let’s get this show on the road!” Wendy exclaims.

“Yeah!” Stan yells, jumping into the boat. He helps Wendy up into it. She kisses him softly. He smiles, puts on a life jacket, and jumps into the driver’s seat. He crashes it into another boat immediately.  
Stan jumps off the boat and safely swims back to shore, Wendy following.  
“Oh no! My wife has tragically died I’m very sad now.” Stan says in a very clearly sad voice.

“What do you mean? Stan I’m right here.” She asks.

“I can still hear her.” He wipes a tear from his eye. “Oh well… life goes on.” Stan gets in the car and drives directly to Kyle’s house, driving faster than he ever has. Wendy sits alone at the beach, sighing. Once again, Stan has failed to kill her. 

“Now he drives fast” she rolls her eyes.

Kyle sits on his front porch, smoking. He waits for Stan rather impatiently, checking his wrist constantly as if he is wearing a watch. “C’mon!” He says to himself. “Eric can’t just lay there forever.” Suddenly Stan pulls up into his driveway.

“Kyle!” He yells, jumping out of a car. Wendy is facetiming Stan in an uber to Kyle’s house. 

“Hey Kyle!” she says. 

“Did you hear that?” He asks Stan. Stan ends the call. 

“No.” He says. They grab each others hands and walk into the house that Kyle’s rotting husband bought. Kyle shows him around the house, and Stan pretends like he’s never been there before and that Kyle is trying to sell him the house. Stan realises why Kyle is so bad at his job. They walk up the stairs together, and they reach the bedroom. Kyle swings it open, and Eric’s corpse is rotting in the corner. Stan’s dick gets hard at the sight of it. “Mmm” Stan moans. Kyle licks Stan’s neck. Stan falls to the ground on purpose. He crawls towards Eric’s dead body, and fangs stick out. He tries to drink his blood, but it’s already settled, because vampires drink people’s blood and then they die. Someone knocks at the front door.

“Hey! Kyle! Let me in!” Wendy yells. They both ignore it.

“God damnit.” Kyle says, facepalming. “I forgot that’s how it works.” 

“Its okay,” Stan says, sitting next to Eric with his legs crossed. “Cos we’re still fuckin vampires!” He cheers.

“Hell yeah man!” Kyle agrees. “Let's do the mad gay sex now.” 

“I consent.” Stan says.

 

“Randy!” Wendy yells, shaking him awake. Randy blinks tiredly. 

“What?” He says. 

“You were screaming in your sleep! It was terrifying!” She says, shaking her head. 

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to worry you honey. I was just having a really really weird dream.”


End file.
